I surrender all

There aren't any cute pictures with this blog. This is just me writing so that I'll remember what happened this morning. And this is me asking and begging you to pray for me and the decisions that lie ahead.

I've been dreading this day for awhile. We did a dry run of the daycare this morning. I knew it was important to do this because Todd will be dropping off in the morning & he needs to get use to the routine. He also hasn't visited our daycare so he needed to see it. So this morning Paisley woke up at 6am. I fed her, we played for a bit and then the 3 of us prayed like we always do each morning. Then we headed to The Learning Experience Daycare in Apex. It's literally a mile from our house so its super convenient for us & on the way to Todd's work. We checked her in & talked to the manager. We went into her room and met the teachers. They gave us the run down on how everything would go each day, what she would need, etc. It was a bright room. Lots of cribs lined the walls and parents were starting to come in. Babies seemed happy, parents seemed happy but all I could do was cringe. Todd looked a little leery, asking lots of questions. We filled out some paper work, set up a pin for the automatic computer check in and I started to cry. Just the thought of leaving my precious baby in this "institution" where she needs a pin number made me ill. I knew it would. I've been battling the thought of daycare for months. Just not thinking about it since I had so much time at home. Well, the time has come & I have MAJOR anxiety. It's all I think about it. It's all I pray about it. It's all Todd & I talk about. It has CONSUMED us. What is the best thing for Paisley? What is the best thing for our family? Where does God want us? And will we (mostly me) be obedient?

Honestly- I didn't think it would be hard to leave my baby in the care of someone else. Well, that's what I thought before I had her. Million of parents work & millions of babies go to daycare. It's just how the world works. I grew up with a working mom & I can see her reaping the benefits from that now as she is about to retire after 31.5 years at AT&T. I know that it's good for moms to get out of the house and have a life of their own. I know that financially it helps & affords families to take vacations, be involved in extra curricular activities and puts less burden on the husband to provide. There are so many benefits to working moms and I always knew that I would continue to work when I had kids. I told Todd that before we even got married (even though he has always wanted me to stay at home).

But something is changing in me. This child has COMPLETELY changed my heart. I love her SO much. How on earth can I let someone else care for her 8 hours a day? I'm too OCD, too controlling to let some stranger watch my child. If it was family then maybe it would be a different story but we have NO family here in NC. No support except friends who can only do so much.

After the run through, Todd went to work and Paisley went down for a nap. I sat on the couch and just wept to God. I begged Him to show me what is best for Paisley. I prayed that He would give me the courage to do WHATEVER He leads me to do. I then started to worry. What if I give up my good paying government job & I can never get it back? What if I quit and then Todd loses his job? I know that staying at home will probably be best for now but what about long term? I let fear consume me. Then I remembered the sermon from this weekend about taking a RISK when we follow God. About how we don't need to live in fear and how faith is about trusting God. And that sometimes life with God doesn't make sense but that it is an adventure. The series is great & I encourage you to listen here

A friend told me about a daily devotional recently & I got the app on my phone. It's called "Jesus Calling" and I highly recommend it. It's written in a way that sounds like God is talking to you. So I opened it up and here was the devotion for today- November 19, 2012.

"Leave outcomes up to Me. Follow me wherever I lead, without worrying about how it will all turn out. Think of your life as an adventure, with Me as your guide and companion. Live in the now, concentrating on staying in step with Me. When our path leads to a cliff, be willing to climb it with My help. When we come to a resting place, take time to be refreshed in My presence. Enjoy the rhythm of life lived close to Me. You already know the ultimate destination of your journey: your entrance into heaven. So keep your focus on the path just before you, leaving outcomes up to Me."

And if that wasn't enough, there are verses that go with the devotion and today's verses were.......

"In your unfailing love you will lead the people you have redeemed. In your strength you will guide them to your holy dwelling". Exodus 15:13

"I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord." Psalm 27:13-14

Anybody who knows us, knows that Psalm 27:13-14 is Todd's FAVORITE verse. It was the theme to our wedding almost 3 years ago. God showed this verse to Todd 7 years ago when he was divorced & just had survived a serious car accident that should have killed him. Todd's jaw was wired shut, sinuses blown out and a piece of his hip was removed and put into his mouth because he had broken the bones that held his teeth together. Todd was in a pit and God showed him Psalm 27:13-14. Todd had no hope of goodness. All he had was pain & disappointment but God kept telling him to wait and believe. Wait and believe. And sure enough Todd saw God's promise come alive on February 20, 2012. Then Todd saw it again on July 17, 2012. Todd has always called me his "goodness in the land of the living" and now he calls Paisley the same thing!

How cool that God would use this devotion and this verse to speak LOUDLY to me!

Then I got on my knees and broke down. Cried like a baby. And these words came out of my mouth "I surrender". I don't know if I have really ever said that before or even meant it but I do now. Whatever God wants from me, I'll do it. I'll give my job. I've give up my current lifestyle, shopping habits and expensive taste. I've give up everything I have for this perfect, little baby who is our goodness in the land of the living. I'm done. My life is not my own. God wins. She wins.

So what does this mean for us? I don't know. I so badly wish God would just show us the future and literally tell us where to be but it doesn't work that way. All we can do now is PRAY and LISTEN and BELIEVE.

Will you pray for us? Will you pray for me? I know how this works. I'll make a decision now that I believe is best but fear will creep back again and I'll go back on the promise to surrender everything. Will you pray that God will make his path clear? Do I need to give up my job and be a stay at home mom? Should we stay in Raleigh? Or would it be better for us to live near family? Pleas pray that God will show us exactly where He wants us. I pray that He orchestrates things in such a way that it's VERY CLEAR where He wants us. I tend to be stupid & blind when it comes to major decisions. I also tend to panic. Please pray that Todd & I make decisions so that we will have "peace that surpasses all understanding" (Phil 4:7) I know that the decisions that are coming in the next few weeks & months will impact the life of my daughter. Please pray that we have wisdom where we lack it and that the decisions we make will be in the best interest of our daughter.

I love the old hymn "I Surrender All". I listened to it this morning with hands raised high to the sky and meant every word. Listen by clicking here

Thank you for listening. And more importantly, thank you for your prayers & your friendship.

Love,
Candice