I'll be back (hopefully)

I've been a little MIA lately. I've got 2 reasons for that. My computer crashed two weeks ago and EVERY SINGLE THING was lost. Every picture I've ever taken. Every document I've created. Everything. So thanks Apple for the Ios7 update that literally destroyed my computer and wrecked my nerves. Todd has been replacing the hard drive this weekend and trying to get most of my applications back. We backed my computer up in April before we left Raleigh so once we find the back up in a box in the barn somewhere I hope that I'll be able to recover what I had on my computer in April. Urgh!!!!

2nd reason I've been a little MIA is because life has been sucking lately. My grandmother always said if you don't have anything nice to say then don't say anything at all. Well, I've been silent because I've got nothing nice to say. And showing you pictures of pretty babies when things are crumbling just doesn't seem right.

Life starting sucking about 6 wks ago when Todd told me that Cisco would be laying off 4,000 people on October 1 (today!). That's like the worst thing you can tell a hormonal pregnant woman who quit her job in December. Immediately my mind began thinking about all the implications this would have on our family. We would lose our house. We would love the $50,000 we put down on the house. We wouldn't have maternity coverage for this baby who will be born in January. We'd have to live with mama forever!!! I cried for days and then I just couldn't think about it anymore. I know deep down God always provides and He has proven himself faithful time and time again so I just couldn't dwell on it. Currently I am listening to my husband deliver the bad news to his employees. He has to lay off 5 out of his 6 employees today. Every time the phone rings, I cry. Some person is hearing the bad news. That person has a family and bills and it just rips my heart out that Todd has to give this "speech" 5 times today. I honestly couldn't do it. We got word that Todd's safe is safe but you never know. If he doesn't get a call from his boss today then we're out of the woods. But you never know with corporate America. So we're choosing to put our faith & trust in God and we'll see what happens at the end of the day.

A week later the unthinkable happened. My baby Chelsea from Belize died in a drowning accident. If you me at all then you know my love for this girl. I met her when she was 3 yrs over nearly 4 yrs ago. It was my first time in Belize and I came back with 3 loves that trip- Todd, Shameka and Chelsea. I always wanted her and her sister with me in the states even though Belize child are NOT adoptable and they had parents. I found out that her & her mother were crossing a river bank when a flash flood came and swept her away. she didn't know how to swim and there was nothing her mother could do. My mind went crazy thinking about how she died alone and scared. I'm sure she was fighting for her life. Screaming and yelling. Hoping that someone would save her. I imagine that being Paisley and how I would just die. I cried for days then I had to stop thinking about it. I had to trust that the work that we did in Belize was not in vain. I had to trust that Chelsea choose Jesus to be her forever friend and that is sitting on Jesus' lap. My heart breaks for Shameka. She not only lost her sister but her friend. They were inseparable. I just wish I could give that sweet child a hug and tell her that everything will be ok. But I can't so I just have to trust that God will surround her with peace and comfort during this awful time in her life.

After that week, I needed a break from reality so we went to Destin, FL for 10 days. Like all the other times we travel, Paisley got sick the morning we left. By the weekend she was getting better then mid week she turned the corner again. We ended up in the ER that Thursday and the Dr thought it was foot, hand, mouth disease. Lovely! We were around kids all weekend long. My niece Kinley & nephew Benton. Then we visited my brother, his wife & 5 month old daughter. Then we stayed at my friend Joy's house and were around her 11 month old daughter. I immediately felt quilt for bringing my sick baby around all those kids. But I would later find out that was just teething. Paisley popped 3 molars that week!

After the ER visit, I checked facebook to find out that my friend Beth Brown died the night before. You remember Beth don't ya? My divine appointment that I met on an airplane 5 years ago. She shared her testimony with me. Her husband had died in a plane crash. She & I were both single at the time and longed for Godly spouses. We had a connection that day and remained friends. Her and her son even came to visit Raleigh one summer. I wish I had a picture of her to share with you but of course thats lost. She was the MOST amazing woman I have ever met. Her faith could literally move mountains. So I just knew that when she got diagnosed with pancreatic cancer 16 months ago that God would use it to show off a bit and show that He's still in the miracle business. But that didn't happen. Beth's last 10 yrs on earth were horrible. She buried her husband 7 years ago. Then her 24 yr old son died 2 years ago this November. Beth said that losing her husband was nothing compared to burying her son. She literally never got over it. 6 months later while still grieving for Preston, she learned she had cancer. The worst kind! Throughout it all she never lost her faith. I talked to her on the phone 2 weeks before she died. She sounded great but was telling me about her poor quality of life. She knew she was dying but she told me that she had a lot of life in her and she knew God would heal her. I just prayed it would be on this side of eternity. So now her 12 yr old son is an orphan. Literally lost his dad 7 yrs ago. Lost his only brother 2 yrs ago and now has buried his mother. It's him that my heart breaks for. Beth got remarried 2.5 years ago and God blessed with her a Godly husband who has now taken the role as father for Beth's son. But how crappy is that! I know that I'm not suppose to know everything in this life but I can't understand how this is a good thing for this 12 yr old. It just isn't fair and to tell you the truth, I'm angry at God about it. How on earth He could allow for this to happen is beyond me. It will be one of the first things I ask when I reach the pearly gates. WHY? WHY? WHY? Why did you allow such suffering in my friends life? And why did you leave this kid orphaned? Again, I can't think about it. I choose to pray for this child every.single.day. And I pray for this step daddy who now has to take on a huge role as both a father & a mother.

So life has just sucked lately. Just as plain as that. I hope that I'll be back with a computer that works and I'll be able to return to sharing silly pictures of a cute baby with you. Until then I'm taking a break from blogging and dealing with normal day life. Hopefully this awful season will end soon!